Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.